I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize
