i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
