I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Randomize
