So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Randomize
