The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
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