Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Barsexuality is the new black.
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
