is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
Randomize
