K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
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