Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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