areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
where are you?
Hypothermia
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
