the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
