I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Randomize
