shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
They took my balls.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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