you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
Houston, we have a squirter
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize
