please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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