I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Two words: blizzard sex
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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