So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
that is very illegal...i love you.
Randomize
