omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Randomize
