Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
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