You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Randomize
