my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize