I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
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