i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Randomize
