Cold hands, warm shart.
Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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