she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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