Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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