Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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