so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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