I wish I only lived at night.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
Let's get the cat blown out
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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