How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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