We named our party play list daddy issues
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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