Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
