i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Randomize
