I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
