Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
Randomize
