I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize