she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Randomize
