My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Randomize
