youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
