Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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