What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
