omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
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