Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize