John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
