Plan B is the new Plan A
i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
Just saw 2 very young girls abandon baby buggys in the Xwalk to fight. Gotta love Holyoke.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
