my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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