my phone needs a breathalizer
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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