I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
