So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
