How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Randomize
