just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
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