Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
