he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Randomize
