I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize
