if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
