meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
wake up i wanna do it froggy style
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
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