As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
