I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
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