You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Randomize
