The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Randomize