dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Randomize
