Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Randomize
