Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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