we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
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