that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize
