Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
