You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
The Olympian is in my bed
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
