I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize