I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
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